Rasyiqah Hassan


Posted on: November 6, 2017


I am not being able to write much cause I’ve been cooping with extra workload for the past few month. Working Life is taking my head and spirit. But after all, Alhamdulillah to all the rezeki of having something to work on cause I realized how fortunate I am compared to thousand of human beings out there who may still be looking for a perfect job. I wish you all well and inshaAllah all went well.

I was having some difficulties dealing with my own self and thoughts since early of this year. and I want to share something about loneliness and depression. Which not so many people know or even realizing how bad I am cooping with this since 2016. Yes, 2016 probably the worst year for me. Dealing with confusion, heartache and also the emptiness. Often, friends viewed me as  a person who full of wisdom. But little that they know how I was torn inside and keep thinking about death. Yes, I’m talking about some mental issues that I’ve been facing since early 2016.

Although having someone dearly to you couldn’t save you from being lonely. Unknowingly feel sad is something that you cannot understand. You have no idea where is the source. You just get sad and lonely. So, I get it when people who couldn’t coop with loneliness trying to fill themselves with other human being. Some of them choose to get married quickly, some of them choose to have kids right after marriage, some of them may just changing partners frequently. I have nothing against any of their decision of life nor to be judgemental of it. Some people have their own way to complete themselves. I was trying too. But later I realize, having a dearly partner will not necessarily complete you. Human being is just another human being.

There is one quotes i found during in a book saying that, “Kalau mengharap pada manusia akan sentiasa kecewa” (Or in english, Relying to human being will always disappoint you ) and Prof Muhaya in her talks keep saying that, “yang pegang hati manusia hanyalah Tuhan”. I think deeply of this two powerful statement because experiencing one is one thing, and realizing the later need some practice. Over the years, I met tons of wonderful people, that add value to my life. I grew my feelings on each of them. and because I am so bad with words so I show appreciation towards my action. Somehow, its tragic when some of them start to views my kindness differently.  But its ok. I am ok, my focus is to just be nice and kind.

But, somehow it get really lonely when the dark thoughts strike you. It come across without giving any signals. Some times at night, I couldn’t fight back. All my sleeps is disturbed by a circulating mind. I drown into a sleeping pill just to get a deep good sleep. little that people know, even someone very dearly cannot keep me calm during those night. I keep pushing them away, hoping that I could control my self. but I lost, my strength is very limited. most of the time I lost. I even imagine of my death during driving, or even typing something in the office. It’s unexplained.

Yes, I do get some help. I went to therapist, counselling class.  But it was remembering Allah helps me a lot. Because you just have to put all your thoughts and emptiness in the Creators hand’s. You threw all the sadness in a prayers. Somehow, it took me an hour to just sit still after prayers, unconscious of what i want but hoping and praying to Him all the time.  It takes a while for me to recover or getting back on track. The consistency of asking God is a continuous effort. Asking His help is the only way to see the light. yeah, human beings know this but little that actually practising. Its only when you practices and experienced the beauty, then you see. Cooping with loneliness isn’t easy. If you find your way, be thankful about it cause million of people out there rather to choose suicide that dealing with those feelings.  I know, and I understand.  I choose to understand.

Yang pegang hati manusia hanyalah Allah. 

Only if you believe this, and you do this in a proper way, you will see the lights. Every sadness, loneliness and emptiness, I will only talk to The Almighty. He is the one who can help.

He surely help when I found peace in paintings. I am still figuring things out, changing certain way of thinking, still cooping and comprehending with this, cause it takes years to be completely free from unknowingly sadness. The good thing is I don’t rely on sleeping pills to sleep anymore (at least not so frequent). I don’t rely on my friends to keep me company all the time. I try to do things on my own and be actually ok with it. i read some important books just to keep my spirit high. I will continuously appreciate people even they are not worth it. As long I know where my self worth stands, I know Allah will always be there for me.

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